God Chose Me

"Now this is what the Lord says-the one who created you, Jacob, the one who formed you, Israel-"Do not fear for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are mine." Isaiah 43: 1 (New International Version)

One of the things I am not proud of is that for a good chunk of my 20's and most of my 30's, I wanted to desperately be in a relationship. Like...that's all I thought about. Day in and day out, I wondered what was wrong with me. Why didn't anyone look at me and want to be with me? Was I ugly? Too fat? Not sexually experienced enough to be worth the time? Was I just not desirable? I often allowed these thoughts to overtake me. For years! Not a few hours, days, or even months...YEARS!!!! Now, when I did get into a relationship, I was so desperate to keep that person "focused on me", I did too much. Like...way too much, because if I didn't "do enough", then I would be alone. Again.

It consumed me because I saw other people get in relationships like folks go to the grocery store. All.The.Time. Yet, here I am: alone, going to church to keep myself busy, and eating my feelings. It got to the point that I would pray diligently for God to bless me with someone and a relationship. Not to be whole. Or to be a vessel for Him. No, I wanted to be in a relationship and who better to go to than the "Ruth and Boaz" matchmaker...God. (I like to envision God was up there shaking his head at me and just chuckling at my naive-ness).

Not until one day, I was reading this passage of scripture and my whole entire existence just shifted. I had spent years...wanting a man to "choose" me, and the whole time I had already been chosen. I was already redeemed and called by my own name by my heavenly father. God chose me the day I was conceived in my mother's womb. God chose me when I didn't know how to choose myself, shoot, when I didn't want to choose myself.

I guess what I'm getting at is that no matter what, we belong to God. We are chosen to be his child, his vessel, and his earthly reminder of love and grace. I can see now that my years of waiting were not in vain. Now, I'm still single, but I'm single and content. I'm single and loving myself. I'm single and growing. That is worth more to me than any "title" someone

can choose to give me or not. God doesn't take back what He's placed within us. That's the kind of love we all need and deserve.

#AshleySpeak