What Grief Taught Me (Part 1)

My mom died unexpectedly almost one year ago. The 1 year anniversary of when she got to meet Jesus is coming up, and I am feeling a lot of emotions. Sadness, guilt, worry, anxiety, and surprisingly-peace. My mom was very lively, fiesty, strong, and also vulnerable. She didn't trust too easily, yet she never wavered from her faith and knew she knew Jesus.

For a long time, I thought that my mom dying was a punishment to me. Weird, girl I know, but it is the absolute truth. I remember praying a prayer and letting the enemy know that I was done operating in fear. I was done letting my self doubt rule over me and keep me from my own goals. I stayed firm that entire week to speak affirmations over myself and into my space, and just when I was ready for a breakthrough...my world collapsed. How was I going to keep going? Maybe affirmations weren't for me. Perhaps I was "safer" if I just prayed safe prayers and didn't do too much. I could go on and on. Not until almost one year later did I finally speak words to God that allievated my thoughts that my mom's death was not a punishment, but rather her time. It's painful to even write, yet I know it is the truth, Grief taught me that there is not always fault, just rather love...a whole lot of love.

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